In one of the communication training sessions I conducted for BK leaders, I used the classic “telephone game” to demonstrate that a message is not always received the same way it was sent.
How many times do we face situations like this in our lives? How many times do we try to express ourselves and end up being misunderstood or misinterpreted? And how many times does a message reach us, only for us to discover — once we check the facts — that it had absolutely nothing to do with the original content?
According to the University at Albany, New York, “our interpersonal communication skills are the tools we use to interact and share ideas with others. In the workplace, people employ these skills regularly when participating in brainstorming sessions, sharing information, and collaborating with colleagues, clients, and other professionals outside the organization.”
In my last chronicle, we talked about interpersonal communication as the process of exchanging information, ideas, and feelings between two or more people. This is not necessarily restricted to the professional environment, but also happens outside of it, helping individuals successfully interact with friends and family.
There are situations where simply “dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s” is not enough. If the other person is not ready to receive the message, we run the risk of causing an even greater misunderstanding.
So, how can we improve our communication to ensure that the original message reaches its destination with the exact purpose for which it was created? It is entirely possible if we apply some of these skills, fundamental points, and pillars that reinforce this structure:
1. The Three Elements of a Message
Most of the time, we focus only on words, but communication is a whole package. Psychologist Albert Mehrabian, from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), formulated a famous rule (7-38-55) regarding the perception of feelings:
- 7% Verbal: The exact words you use.
- 38% Vocal: Tone of voice, speed, and inflection.
- 55% Non-verbal: Facial expressions, gestures, and body posture.
This explains why an “everything is fine,” said with crossed arms and a sharp tone, communicates the exact opposite.
2. Noise in Communication
Noise is any interference that distorts the message. In the analogy of “dotting the i’s,” noise is the missing dot. It can be:
- Physical: External noise, such as a phone call while driving or even when the sound of rain makes holding a conversation challenging. This happens to me a lot. Pay attention to your phone conversations and your privacy; looking for a closed environment makes the dialogue much clearer.
- Psychological: Biases, anxiety, or stress that cause a person to hear something different from what was said. This is very common when we are upset about a situation. It is quite common to interpret a written text message using a tone of voice based on your own feelings, not necessarily the tone of the person who sent it.
3. Active vs. Passive Listening
Communication is not just about speaking well, but about listening with intention. It is like a song: you hear the melody, but the lyrics need to be felt.
- Passive Listening: You hear the sound, but you are just waiting for your turn to speak. In reality, you have not fully absorbed the message.
- Active Listening: You make a real effort to understand the other person’s content and emotion. This involves maintaining eye contact, nodding, and asking clarifying questions (“Let me see if I understand what you mean…”).
4. Assertiveness
Being assertive is the balance between passivity (not speaking your mind) and aggressiveness (speaking in an offensive way). An assertive communicator “dots the i’s and crosses the t’s” in a clear, direct, and respectful manner, defending their rights and opinions without violating those of others.
The telephone game I presented in my leaders’ training started with a real message passed by a manager to a team during a shift change. Her intention was to express her frustration to the day-shift managers regarding unfinished tasks. However, by the time the message reached its final destination, the takeaway was that the day shift was better than the night shift.
Given this, it is worth reflecting: in your daily conversations, have you been making sure that your message truly reached its destination with the correct “dots on the i’s,” or are you letting the “telephone game” take control?
